It seems obvious enough. When our solution doesn’t work but we keep trying it over and over again (as if it were going to work) eventually it becomes the problem. Here are some common parenting solutions that often create bigger problems than the original problem they were meant to solve:

Reasoning with the kid when they are being completely unreasonable

Telling her to do it or else (the ultimatum) with no backup plan

Forcing him to be responsible so he’ll see the light

Trying to be fair and do what is “right”

Bribing them as some kind of compromise

Taking privileges and possessions away without a purpose

Getting frustrated and doing it yourself

Trying to understand the kid’s lack of responsiveness

Repeatedly giving them the benefit of the doubt

Allowing them to control the situation by playing victim

And you can make your own list of things you do over and over again with the kids that have no chance of success. When we do this, it makes us look silly and emboldens the kids to up the ante with ever increasing defiance and attempts to dictate what they will and won’t do. So in the game of life (and effective parenting is a mental game), parentwarriors eliminate the moves that do not work and pursue the moves that do. That is the real solution.

Let’s face it. Without new funding, continued funding and sustainable funding, organizations who serve kids and families cannot thrive. Too often NFPs see the revenue pie as fixed or shrinking and get into the mindset of smaller and smaller pieces. That has got to get old. It kills the spirit of good organizations and threatens the very programs that help people.

There are lots of funding streams, especially for creative programs that are pioneering new ways to work with families. We just have to sell them. So if you want to go after a bigger slice of the pie, I’m willing to take some risks and be a partner in your growth. Give me a call.

I’m taking a short break. A TV spot for parentwarrior on Tuesday at the local CBS affiliate in Green Bay and then a few days of recharging and reloading. Since we went live in March, the response has been overwhelming. Thank you.

Parents all over the country are stepping up to lead their families and claiming their place as the experts for what goes on at home. Kids are the direct beneficiaries of powerful and clear thinking parents.

People have found value in the Starter Kit and are using the strategies and ideas in unique ways. Parents are doing great work in coaching sessions, recognizing that it is an excellent way to stay mentally and emotionally healthy and on top of their game, every day.

The blogs have found a place throughout the internet and certainly offer a controversial look at parenting. And organizations who serve kids and families are incorporating the parentwarrior philosophy in their programming and grant writing.

I salute you - parents and professionals who are courageous enough to change how things are done. It is no longer business as usual.

Parents invite me to meetings because I will say the things they won’t. Professionals invite me to meetings because I will say the things they can’t. I am happy to be the “bad guy”. But when did we get so nice that people cannot be honest, direct, challenging and confrontational (if that’s what the situation requires) with each other? Behind the mask of pleasing and agreeable is some, what? Passive-aggressiveness, hostility, fear, insecurity, distrust, dislike?

So nice keeps everyone in the room but not much gets accomplished. We can claim that we had a meeting, reached consensus, signed the necessary forms and everything is wonderful. If the kid happens to be in attendance, watching the adults dancing around each other, one can only wonder what they are thinking and how they will later use this for some power move. Parents leave saying what they should have said in the meeting to those who can have no effect. Professionals leave the meeting feeling hamstrung by having to be so politically correct; maybe relieved that conflict was avoided.

Interesting model. The niceness has now turned parents and professionals, who should be natural allies, into adversaries and enemies. And the straight-up truth would have been worse, how?

One more reference to Michael Phelps and then I’ll quit. Right before one of his practice swim meets his coach purposely stepped on his goggles and cracked them. He was apparently teaching Michael how to handle adverse and unpredictable situations which could happen anytime. It was a powerful communication that led Phelps to recognize that he had the ability to adapt and perform well under difficult circumstances. It paid off because in one of the Olympic meets his goggles filled up with water and he still managed to win.

Parents need to be able to communicate in totally new ways in order to get their point across and prepare their children to become the masters of their own destinies. Communication, by the way, is everything, all behavior not just talking. As a matter of fact, taking action and not talking so much can be a more effective communication especially when teaching some of the most important life lessons. (We’re programmed to chatter and we come to believe that everything can be solved by talking. At some point, words lose their value from overuse.)

The battleground for behavior change is home. If you can’t figure it out there, forget about your influence going out into the world with the kids. They need you to be in their heads when you’re not there. But unless you have established your authority you will not be and as a result they will make more mistakes, some very costly.

The enemy is within. It is a failure to recognize that I am in a behavior war. There are certain ways I communicate that perpetuate negative behavior and keep the cycle going. For example, I give my kid a directive to do something but it is communicated with a lack of forcefulness and importance. What they hear is the absence of “I mean it” and not the directive. So they do not respond. I become more insistent with a different tone (which should have been my first communication) and they accuse me of being angry with them (a manipulation) and I get defensive and then we are in a battle. I have empowered the kids to fight me over every little thing because of a wishy-washy directive.

The battlecry is, “No more!” No more will I choose to be unaware of the importance of how things get communicated. No more will I overlook the fact that daily interactions with the kids affect everything and determine not only what happens today but sets the tone for all future interactions. Either I commit to new patterns of communication or I lose the war - which means my kids are screwed.

(I’ll let you in on a little secret if you promise not to tell anyone. The reality, in most families, is that parents start out controlling all the cards. But for some strange reason they start buying in to the illusion that the kids have control. Maybe the kids are master illusionists but it only works if parents believe it.)

Sorry. You don’t get a medal just because you are a parent. If you need that kind of false praise, there are a hundred million web sites out there that will give you a medal (and a hat, tee shirt and a hug) if you are barely breathing, have a little blood coursing through your veins and happen to have a child.

It’s fascinating. A lot of us are watching the Olympics. We marvel at these world class athletes who are questing for excellence and we love winners. We talk about their hard-driving, demanding coaches who are the ones who have pushed them to peak performance. The dedication and training and perseverance have proven valuable in the heat of competition. Most of these athletes had some natural talent but the rest is grueling hard work, personal discipline and somebody in their lives who believed they were capable of greatness and didn’t give up even when the future winners were whining.

And then we always have those naysayers who jump up and down snorting that, “Not everyone is capable of greatness.” And I would say, “How the hell would you know if you don’t give them what they need to achieve it?” (Michael Phelps was 11 years-old when he got what he needed - Bob, who thought he could be a pretty good swimmer).

If it’s good enough for the Olympians who we are so focused on, it’s good enough for us. And our kids need us to be world class, well trained, peak performing winners. Time to get in shape.

The family is out at a restaurant for dinner. They are engaging in a lively discussion, enjoying each other’s company and just having a good time. An older couple walks over to the table. They look at the parents and say, “We don’t mean to intrude. We go out to eat all the time and see lots of families. We just wanted to compliment you on how well behaved your children are and how much fun you all seem to be having…” The 7 year-old is at the grocery store with mom. As they walk down the candy aisle, he starts to reach out for something on the shelf. He looks back at mom and she shakes her head almost imperceptibly. They continue on… Parents attend parent-teacher conferences at the high school. They hear some positive comments about their daughter’s performance. At the final conference with her science teacher, they smile. The teacher says their daughter is one of the finest students she has ever had in class. She says, “Your daughter is not getting the best grades in the class but she is making an unbelievable effort. She has also taken the initiative to help other students who are having a lot of difficulty. She has true leadership skills.”

You just know it when you see it or when others let you know you are doing it. When parenting is being done well, there is a conspicuous elegance that makes it seem effortless, but of course, it’s not. It takes practice and precision and a whole lot more. When it works, it works.

Elegant parenting is intense, energizing and often times fun-filled. It is a multi-dimensional process that integrates the art of discovery, learning by doing, awareness of patterns, listening between the lines, observing the anomalies, using language with specificity, negotiation with flair, 2nd level problem-solving, futuristic goal-setting, constructive uncertainty, alternative behavior. The end result is the will, skill and imagination to prepare your child for the adventure of a lifetime. It is a sight to see.

With kids who are on psychotropic medication, I am always amazed how well they do in environments where there is structure and stability and where they are challenged mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It is a fact that kids who are consistently in these types of environments often need less medication and can sometimes be weaned off medication altogether. I rarely hear kids in our program explain their negative behavior with “I forgot my pill today”. First of all, they know better and second they have learned to take responsibility for their choices. Medication sometimes assists decision-making; it does not make decisions.

The pills have their place (although they are overprescribed). But their place is not to replace commonsense. We know the basic needs of kids. Exercise, balanced eating, sunlight, lots of water, creative outlets, the ability to dream, accountability, problem-solving skills, an energizing world that provokes them to safely experiment with who they are and what they can do, etc. If the environment provides this and they are still having difficulty, medication and other interventions should be considered. But we need to examine whether we are giving them the elements they require to be healthy before we medicate them.

I fear the long-term studies of so much childhood medication are going to show a number of things: 1) We will find that most of the current medications were not all that effective and other factors (like powerful, creative parents) are more influential than pills. 2) Kids, as they become adults, will develop health problems that may prove to be irreversible. 3) People will still be explaining their bad behavior with, “I forgot to take my pill today” except they won’t be 15 years-old, they’ll be 35.

I’ve built this company and made my reputation, for now 26 years, by helping people who others could not; parents who have tried “everything” and given up. If therapy hasn’t worked for you, if parent coaching hasn’t worked, if all the searching for answers hasn’t worked that doesn’t mean you give up. parentwarriors do not quit. They do something totally different.

This is the something different. It is a change process like no other and it has spice. It is the journey you want to take but are afraid to. parentwarrior guarantees to make those neurons fire - in color and rapidly.

parentwarrior doesn’t mess around with the feel good silliness, skips the small talk and gets to the point. The people who are stroking you, telling you what you want to hear, saying “you gotta keep it all positive”, making it sound easy and talking to you in that soft, controlled voice like you are some fragile being - they are poison for you. They are leading you down the road of family destruction. This is not how change happens.

At some point, like it or not, you have to deal with the bad stuff (the viruses) and battle with the self-defeating patterns and grapple with your own mistakes. When you get to the other side of that, you will be ready to lead your family, change your children’s behavior, blow up the bridge and never go back to the old ways. That is what this process is about.

So if you are not quite ready, keep searching. When you think you have exhausted all the possibilities again and you are ready once more to give up, give us a call. parentwarrior will change your life.

If every parent in America had a parentwarrior Starter Kit and they followed through with the ideas and strategies, the number of kids needing to be placed out of their homes would go down dramatically. parentwarrior is about preventing the need for such a drastic intervention. And having your kid removed from your home is drastic. But there are times when the family situation is so out of control that out-of-home placement is necessary.

Interestingly enough, in the last few months, I’ve had a number of parents who have written to me asking whether I know of treatment facilities that are using the parentwarrior philosophy. My answer is: none that I am aware of - yet. But there will be. If any form of treatment is going to be successful, parents must be empowered to be the leaders of the family. There is no other way. So flat out, any program that does not do this is a bad program, period!

A few general rules of thumb to evaluate a treatment program:

1. Parents must be dealt with directly, honestly and with the presumption that ultimately they are the experts for their family and they are the ones who are responsible for leading the way.
2. Family treatment needs to start from the very beginning and it needs to be frequent, intense and change-producing.
3. There needs to be staff facilitated multi-family groups where a number of families work together so parents new to treatment can learn from parents who have changed. Seeing new interactions between parents and their children is worth more than a thousand words.
4. Those providing treatment need to be experts at innovative family work and be receiving continuous supervision. Old worn out approaches have already proven to be failures by the time there is out-of-home placement.
5. The actual treatment program for the kids needs to incorporate multiple therapeutic interventions seven days a week aimed at interrupting self-defeating behavior and strategically motivating kids to use their brain in new ways to create solutions. (Their failed solutions are the problem.)
6. There needs to be a comprehensive aftercare plan firmly established before discharge and family work needs to continue with continuity.
7. A program worth its salt will guarantee success in the sense that parents will be fully empowered to run the family and returning to past behavior will not be a possibility; and this happens before the kid is discharged. (Too many programs treat the kid, neglect family work and within a short period of time after discharge, the same negative behavior patterns are the norm again. And the family, insurance company, county, state and federal payors don’t get a refund.)

As an alternative and to save money in the long run, for $1000 a day I’ll come stay at your house and work with the family. Think of it as the Dog Whisperer, Supernanny and Sun Tzu (author of the Art of War) coming for a visit. It will be fun. Change will happen. And I guarantee success.